The Season of Disappointment, Adoption Story Page 3

In the beginning of trying to get pregnant, it was exciting. I am the oldest of three girls so it would be the first grandchild on my side of the family. As the years went by the excitement slowly turned to disappointment.  That disappointment brought much hurt into our hearts and I believe into the hearts of our family and close friends.  I was blessed this weekend to be able to share my story at a women’s conference, Removing the Veil.  We talked a lot about what we hide behind, what keeps us from what God has for us. I got to share what I hid behind during that season of disappointment.  Now, this part might sound a bit odd to some and know that just because this was true in my circumstance does not make it true in all. I found myself believing that if I just had enough faith I would conceive.  Let me just be honest here. Is that ok with everyone?  Things that happened to me when I was younger made me feel unworthy and rejected. As usual I projected this lie onto my God who did anything but.  Because of this I thought that if I did what I was supposed to do (have faith, believe, follow and quote his word, EARN it), God would bless me with a child. I knew that salvation could not be earned, but I thought his blessings could. Because I went to a church that taught faith, this belief was reinforced in me.  I used this as a shield to hide behind my real problems and pretend that everything was alright in my heart when in fact it was not. It took me years to even begin to deal with these issues. But one day, when I wasn’t looking and my guard was down, it got dealt with. Thank God for putting people in our lives that can see a pattern and have the ability to help us see it in love. That day was the day I stopped trying to buy a child with works.  That was the day of the seeds of new beginnings for me. I did not know it, but it would not be long before everything would change and I would just be hanging on for dear life. If I had not dealt with those issues, I do not think I would have been able to live through the next year and a half of my life. I love it when God shows up and takes care of us. As I have learned, there’s nothing we need to do in order for that to happen. He’s our Daddy, that’s what he does.