The Season of Disappointment, Adoption Story Page 3

In the beginning of trying to get pregnant, it was exciting. I am the oldest of three girls so it would be the first grandchild on my side of the family. As the years went by the excitement slowly turned to disappointment.  That disappointment brought much hurt into our hearts and I believe into the hearts of our family and close friends.  I was blessed this weekend to be able to share my story at a women’s conference, Removing the Veil.  We talked a lot about what we hide behind, what keeps us from what God has for us. I got to share what I hid behind during that season of disappointment.  Now, this part might sound a bit odd to some and know that just because this was true in my circumstance does not make it true in all. I found myself believing that if I just had enough faith I would conceive.  Let me just be honest here. Is that ok with everyone?  Things that happened to me when I was younger made me feel unworthy and rejected. As usual I projected this lie onto my God who did anything but.  Because of this I thought that if I did what I was supposed to do (have faith, believe, follow and quote his word, EARN it), God would bless me with a child. I knew that salvation could not be earned, but I thought his blessings could. Because I went to a church that taught faith, this belief was reinforced in me.  I used this as a shield to hide behind my real problems and pretend that everything was alright in my heart when in fact it was not. It took me years to even begin to deal with these issues. But one day, when I wasn’t looking and my guard was down, it got dealt with. Thank God for putting people in our lives that can see a pattern and have the ability to help us see it in love. That day was the day I stopped trying to buy a child with works.  That was the day of the seeds of new beginnings for me. I did not know it, but it would not be long before everything would change and I would just be hanging on for dear life. If I had not dealt with those issues, I do not think I would have been able to live through the next year and a half of my life. I love it when God shows up and takes care of us. As I have learned, there’s nothing we need to do in order for that to happen. He’s our Daddy, that’s what he does.

Adoption Story Page 2

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Like many young ladies I daydreamed of a future with a husband and as many children as could fill our house. After Justin and I were married, we wanted to start our family right away. I thought I could see clearly what our family would look like. We would have at least three kids, all born close together so that they would grow up tight knit. I never thought about a career for myself because I would stay home with the babies. I was overjoyed at the thought of this idea. After all I wanted to be a young wife and young mother. I had always dreamed about a little house with a husband and kids. I would be a great mom and raise children who were both individual (like me) and thoughtful (like their dad). They would have quirky names and be artistic. They would share in our passion for God. They would be a perfect mix of the both of us. Our love personified, all wrapped up with a big pink or blue bow. After we had our children we wanted to adopt. We wanted to share our family’s love with children who had not been so lucky. Adoption was an afterthought. Isn’t it funny how we make such grandiose plans without seeking God? We prayed that God would guide us, that God would bless our family. But we never consulted God on a timeline. In those days the future could be anything and everything. We never asked God if it was the right time for our family to begin. But of course, God had a plan. I did not know that while I was making plans for our future, so was God. I did not know that when I prayed "Lord use me, I will go, whatever it is" the He would use me and He would take me there. I did not know that the seeds of a heart for adoption were taking root. You see even though there were some things I had not consulted God on, there were a lot of things I had. I knew that God had a testimony for me. I prayed a lot of "you fill in the blank, God" prayers. I didnt know that when I prayed those prayers, I was praying for the things that I had not thought about.  God did fill in the blanks with His grace, His plans and His love. He didn't do it in a way that I would have picked at the time, but I wouldn't trade it now. Writing this and looking back hasn't been the easiest thing, but it has been necessary. I want people to know that our story did not happen over night. It is a story that took years to make and is continuing to be written.

My Adoption Story, Page One

There were times in my life when I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to write my story.  In the darkest times I felt it was a story with no ending, at least not a happy one.  But it is true that God has more for us than we can imagine.  His plans for us are good, even though it may not seem like they are going to pan out at the time. I remember shortly after I graduated from high school I was at a church service.  My prayer was “I trust you God, I don’t know where I’m going, but I trust you” That prayer was a big deal for me. I am the type of person who has to know “the plan” at all times. If there is not a plan, I must make one. If that plan does not work out, I already have a backup plan in mind. I had no idea where that prayer would take my life. It was a prophetic prayer of faith because it has been the times in my life that I did not know where I was going that God has proven himself to me.  Before I was a mother I knew that I wanted to write about how I became a mother. I knew that my story was different, but I did not know how different it would turn out to be. So, my friends, this is the story of how I became a mother. It is a story of faith, of God’s grace, of hurt and brokenness and best of all God’s faithfulness. But it doesn’t end the moment I became a mother. It is also a story of growing as a mother, as adoption usually is. It is also a story of adoption awareness and the blessing that come into your life when you let God build your home. Thankfully my story has a happy ending, or as I like to say a happy new beginning. God’s not done building my family yet, it has only just begun.